Tails’ Blography

I’ve been really lucky in my life to be blessed with some great friends. I’ve also been smited with some pretty nasty ones too but this post isn’t about them.

Life has been tough at times, and the friends who have seen me through those times are some pretty special people. Unfortunately, Fate decided my friendships would be intense, but never everlasting. I look at people who have get togethers with friends all the time, plan stuff together, go away together, and generally just seem to have friends around them constantly…I’ve never been one of those people. There have been times, I’ll admit, that I’ve been envious of the closeness that is shared all around me, but never including me. Maybe I’m seduced by the feeling behind having someone actually care what your thoughts are on something, or what you’ll be doing this weekend. The feeling of being important in someone’s life must be pretty great. I only briefly touched on those feelings a few times in my life, all of them fleetingly. I’ll (try to) summerize.

My best friend through primary school and part of high school moved away to Hermanus after 9 years of friendship. It sounds long, and not at all “fleeting”, but when you’re that young the friendships arent what they are when you’re older and wiser. We met in Sub B (Gr 2) and were firm friends from that year on. We share some some pretty great memories and she’s still a very near and dear friend, though we dont speak as much. She’s now married, in Knysna, and blessed with two beautiful kids.

The next major friend of mine was through high school. She came to SA from the UK and promptly filled my life with her pommy-goodness. We met in Std 6 (Gr 8/first year of high school for my USA readers), clicked easily, and were buddies from then on, sharing wild parties and many a drunken gathering together. Sadly, she moved to Durban mid-way through highschool, I was able to see her once after that, and then she moved back to the UK. I keep in touch with her regularly through Facebook, and she’s doing some pretty inspiring work as a special-needs care-giver, while studying nursing. She’s amazing and one of the most outrageous-yet-compassionate person I know!

The next friend saw me through mid-Std 8 to the end of Std 9. This friendship was a close and intense one, as we shared many of life’s Firsts together. We spent a lot of time together, partying hard, sharing, & experiencing. We shared details on our love lives with each other, gave and sought advice, and generally just had the closeness that best friends do at the blossoming age of 17. We were so similar it was scary, and a more perfect match you couldnt find. This friendship brutely came to an end when she crossed the line that no best friend should ever cross: dating the ex (behind my back). The loss of this friendship still hurts, though I see neither of them anymore. After many years of resentment, I have finally forgiven them.

My final friendship has been with a friend I met online on an international rat forum (thanks, Christy!). The friendship was destined to succeed as we both had an insane love of rats, and shared many a happy PM about torpedoes and raisins. Eventually we realised we stayed a mere 20 min from each other and decided to meet at my birthday dinner at Blowfish, on condition she failed her drivers test that day (if she passed, she’d go partying). Well, Fate intervened and she failed (yay me!) so she met me and my friends for sushi dinner. Alas, its almost certain she too will move on one day as her study visa for South Africa will expire some day (she’s Estonian), and once again I’ll be alone.

After all these curveballs Fate has thrown my way, it was only natural for me to turn to online friends. They’ll never really leave. And I guess on some level there is some security that if they did, its ok because we never really met in real life (or met that often). Believe it or not, I’m an overly-friendly person (which can be my downfall at times when people arent used to it) and I try make friends wherever I go. Sometimes it works, sometimes it doesnt. Sometimes I’m overly sensitive when a friendship attempt doesnt work out, and I’m left wondering where it was that I failed, but lately I’m loving myself more and more, and am coming to the conclusion that at this stage in my life, if you dont like me as I am, then it just will never work. Plain and simple. All my life I’ve tried to change who I am to be who I thought people would want me to be. As a result I’ve missed out on finding out who I really am, and I believe this is the root of my competitiveness. That feeling of trying to keep-up-with-the-Joneses. I used to put myself out and change my plans to suit other people, but as I get older, I find myself less likely to do so, and with less regrets and guilt.

I’m feeling more and more content with who I am and I’m proud of myself. Its been a long road, filled with lonely times and heartbreak, and although my mind shouts, “Loser!!” at me while I type, my heart tells me I am who I am and its ok.

Its ok. *content smile*