A little bit heavy…
Tuesday, October 7th, 2008Its finally happened. For years I’ve been waiting for it to happen, but at the same time expecting it never to happen to me. I’m not sure what to call it, but I guess I’d label it an Image Disorder. No, this isnt something to do with photography, but rather me. Plain and simple.
I find myself hating to look in the mirror, because all that looks back is a plain person with dark circles under her eyes, dry skin, heavy thighs, love handles, and plain hair that does not flatter my face.
My first issue is my face and hair. I get tired even just thinking how to blog about it. I guess my face I’ve come to accept, because short of a eyelift or similar there isnt much (if anything) I can do about it. My hair on the other hand is another story. I have it professionally coloured every six to eight weeks, so the colour is fine, but the cut isnt. Sure it looks great for the first week or two after I get it cut, but then it just goes back into the same boring style when I tie my hair up: middle path, stupid horn-like fringe (“bangs” for my USA readers), which just looks stupid. There also isnt any body in my hair, so when I tie it back, unlike some gorgeous people I see walking around, my hair just looks unwashed, even when its clean. I try lift it and use hair clips and such, but they just dont work, or probably more likely, I dont know how to use them to their full potential (how pathetic is that, hey, a woman with long hair who cant do anything with it). I’ve tried curling it, but they dont stay in, and they annoy me after a while…I like being able to brush my hair, and with curls, the best I can do is run my fingers through it. I’m waiting for my colour to arrive and then I’m going to try a new haircut. I want a bigger fringe, one that doesnt end up looking like horns, but I know the haircut is going to be a stressful event, as, well, my mother is my hairstylest (she’s been a pro hairstylest all my life) but you know how it goes when its family…arguments break out where they normally wouldnt with a customer. Also maintaining it is a problem (I’m lazy). I know, I know, I want to have my cake and keep it all at the same time: stylish hair with no effort. Pfft, like that will happen! Next to my mom and my sister, I look like an ugly duckling with my hair.
My body is probably my biggest gripe. My mother and sister are both size 26-28 (not sure what that is in USA sizes, sorry) and I’m a 34…wow just typing it in that comparison makes me feel huge :( I know, given my bone structure, that its almost virtually impossible for me to be a 28 but I’d be happy with just a 30! Thats a decent size for me…I’m not asking too much??! I’d just like to try on a dress and not have to worry if I look fat in it. Ok, sure, thats what every women wants, but having a mother and sister so thin, why is it so difficult for me?? I love food, there’s no denying that, but lately I’ve been trying to cut back on everything I eat. I’m even about to start eating off of a sideplate just to make my small portion look bigger!!
My disorder now has reached a point where, when out shopping with my sister and mother (something that doesnt happen very often any more for obvious reasons), I see myself in the mirror and feel horrid. I hate myself. I went out today and did some browsing, caught a glimpse of myself and nearly started crying. I just hate it. And this is the part I never thought I’d get to: hating myself. I feel large and ungainly in everything I wear, I have to struggle to find jeans that dont make my ass look huge, I cant wear most of the in-style tops because they just dont flatter my figure, and lets not get started on swimwear.
I watch my sister try on jeans, and no matter what style she tries on, she looks good. Flare, bootleg, skinny, pencil, capris, they all look good. The cargo pants type material…sheesh I cant even go near that or I look huge. I hate it. I’m sitting here typing this, and I’m even starting to tear up.
The problem is, I cant seem to lose weight. I know I dont have to lose weight, but rather tone up and do some exercise, but I have no time for it. None whatsoever. And when I did try gym 3 times a week, it didnt help to the extent I thought it would after the few months I’d been going. I’m now starting another gymming plan, and hopefully I’ve finally mentally and emotionally cracked enough that it becomes easier to stick to day after day. Same with eating. Today, I had a thin rusk for breakfast, with some tea, two and a half crackerbreads with some cottage cheese, and then later, while walking around the shops, a peanut butter smoothie (how healthy is that *rolls eyes*). For dinner, since its Tuesday, I’m having veggies, a chicken breast, and a chicken wing (Michael will get sauteed potatoes again :D). Every day is a struggle and I hate it! I’m getting to the end of my tether and I dont know what to do!
*sigh* I guess I just need to rant about it on here, since talking to my mom and sister only gets me comments like “oooooh, you shouldnt eat that!” while I’m eating something, or “uh-oh, thats going to make you fat”, or “careful, when you’re older you’re not going to be able to lose the weight and you’re going to end up like {insert name of older, larger person}”….its a wonder why I didnt get this disorder sooner.
I know I’m not fat, I weigh 53/54kgs, I have a larger bone structure than my mom and sister, and I’m 5′2″. I just wish my inner thighs didnt touch, that I didnt have love handles, and that I looked good in any dress I try on. Ok almost any dress (at least).
PS: The meal in my post Chicken Tuesday…with a difference! is not the normal sized meal I have…its normally smaller, that was an unusually big piece of chicken!
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