Tails’ Blography

Ok before I get started with this post may I just say how annoyed Blogger is making me! All I’m trying to do is post my pictures, center them, and center the little tiny line of text below each picture. Now, either when I try to jump to the next line, it makes a HUGE space, or the space happens somewhere else. Then when I try and center my text, it centers everything. Its a huge fuckin’ pain. Yes, thats how annoyed I am. I’m cussing at Blogger for stressing me out! As it is, look, I cant even center that line above otherwise EVERYTHING is centered. Even when I type the code manually. And you know what, I code for a living, I dont friggen want to be doing it while I’m blogging. Plus this teeny-tiny window that I have to type in is too small!
I’ve been thinking of jumping ship to another blog space, so if anyone has suggestions let me know! I have a friend who told me before I joined Blogger to join WordPress, so if WP is any easier, please tell me and I’ll check it out. Plus other blogs have cool falling snow widgets/gadgets and Blogger just doesnt.

Well now this post doesnt seem so festive anymore I was going to say how much fun it was making my first ever gingerbread men and tell you about my bf’s work function on Sat night. *sigh* Now I’m not in the mood But yes, the gingerbread men were fun to make and decorate and I’ve even whipped up a second batch for tomorrow’s family get together Lets hope they like them!
Anyway, let me know if you’re using another blog space and please tell me what its like……Blogger is really pissing me off!! Thanks!

Its finally happened. For years I’ve been waiting for it to happen, but at the same time expecting it never to happen to me. I’m not sure what to call it, but I guess I’d label it an Image Disorder. No, this isnt something to do with photography, but rather me. Plain and simple.

I find myself hating to look in the mirror, because all that looks back is a plain person with dark circles under her eyes, dry skin, heavy thighs, love handles, and plain hair that does not flatter my face.

My first issue is my face and hair. I get tired even just thinking how to blog about it. I guess my face I’ve come to accept, because short of a eyelift or similar there isnt much (if anything) I can do about it. My hair on the other hand is another story. I have it professionally coloured every six to eight weeks, so the colour is fine, but the cut isnt. Sure it looks great for the first week or two after I get it cut, but then it just goes back into the same boring style when I tie my hair up: middle path, stupid horn-like fringe (“bangs” for my USA readers), which just looks stupid. There also isnt any body in my hair, so when I tie it back, unlike some gorgeous people I see walking around, my hair just looks unwashed, even when its clean. I try lift it and use hair clips and such, but they just dont work, or probably more likely, I dont know how to use them to their full potential (how pathetic is that, hey, a woman with long hair who cant do anything with it). I’ve tried curling it, but they dont stay in, and they annoy me after a while…I like being able to brush my hair, and with curls, the best I can do is run my fingers through it. I’m waiting for my colour to arrive and then I’m going to try a new haircut. I want a bigger fringe, one that doesnt end up looking like horns, but I know the haircut is going to be a stressful event, as, well, my mother is my hairstylest (she’s been a pro hairstylest all my life) but you know how it goes when its family…arguments break out where they normally wouldnt with a customer. Also maintaining it is a problem (I’m lazy). I know, I know, I want to have my cake and keep it all at the same time: stylish hair with no effort. Pfft, like that will happen! Next to my mom and my sister, I look like an ugly duckling with my hair.

My body is probably my biggest gripe. My mother and sister are both size 26-28 (not sure what that is in USA sizes, sorry) and I’m a 34…wow just typing it in that comparison makes me feel huge I know, given my bone structure, that its almost virtually impossible for me to be a 28 but I’d be happy with just a 30! Thats a decent size for me…I’m not asking too much??! I’d just like to try on a dress and not have to worry if I look fat in it. Ok, sure, thats what every women wants, but having a mother and sister so thin, why is it so difficult for me?? I love food, there’s no denying that, but lately I’ve been trying to cut back on everything I eat. I’m even about to start eating off of a sideplate just to make my small portion look bigger!!

My disorder now has reached a point where, when out shopping with my sister and mother (something that doesnt happen very often any more for obvious reasons), I see myself in the mirror and feel horrid. I hate myself. I went out today and did some browsing, caught a glimpse of myself and nearly started crying. I just hate it. And this is the part I never thought I’d get to: hating myself. I feel large and ungainly in everything I wear, I have to struggle to find jeans that dont make my ass look huge, I cant wear most of the in-style tops because they just dont flatter my figure, and lets not get started on swimwear.

I watch my sister try on jeans, and no matter what style she tries on, she looks good. Flare, bootleg, skinny, pencil, capris, they all look good. The cargo pants type material…sheesh I cant even go near that or I look huge. I hate it. I’m sitting here typing this, and I’m even starting to tear up.

The problem is, I cant seem to lose weight. I know I dont have to lose weight, but rather tone up and do some exercise, but I have no time for it. None whatsoever. And when I did try gym 3 times a week, it didnt help to the extent I thought it would after the few months I’d been going. I’m now starting another gymming plan, and hopefully I’ve finally mentally and emotionally cracked enough that it becomes easier to stick to day after day. Same with eating. Today, I had a thin rusk for breakfast, with some tea, two and a half crackerbreads with some cottage cheese, and then later, while walking around the shops, a peanut butter smoothie (how healthy is that *rolls eyes*). For dinner, since its Tuesday, I’m having veggies, a chicken breast, and a chicken wing (Michael will get sauteed potatoes again ). Every day is a struggle and I hate it! I’m getting to the end of my tether and I dont know what to do!

*sigh* I guess I just need to rant about it on here, since talking to my mom and sister only gets me comments like “oooooh, you shouldnt eat that!” while I’m eating something, or “uh-oh, thats going to make you fat”, or “careful, when you’re older you’re not going to be able to lose the weight and you’re going to end up like {insert name of older, larger person}”….its a wonder why I didnt get this disorder sooner.

I know I’m not fat, I weigh 53/54kgs, I have a larger bone structure than my mom and sister, and I’m 5’2″. I just wish my inner thighs didnt touch, that I didnt have love handles, and that I looked good in any dress I try on. Ok almost any dress (at least).

PS: The meal in my post Chicken Tuesday…with a difference! is not the normal sized meal I have…its normally smaller, that was an unusually big piece of chicken!

I’ve had a pretty grumpy day today. Let’s review:

Number one: my hair is unwashed. And I feel gritty and blegh which makes me grumpy.

Number two: its been cold today and my office (its a home-office type) is like a block of ice. Being cold also makes me grumpy.

Number three: its Wednesday, and that brings customers to a particular restaurant (across the road from my work) over lunchtime. Sounds tame and reasonable, doesnt it? Well not when they continuously park right outside the office so I have nowhere to park!
And not only that, but they park like idiots. One car will park just far enough away from the driveway to leave a gap, just not far enough to park another car in front, but far enough away that the car behind has a good metre or so extra to walk. Then the car behind that is even further away, and the car behind that is pretty much around the corner and down the street. Thats normally me in these cases.
In fact, I once couldnt even park there, so I parked on the large, grassy island in the middle of the road (where everyone else parks as well, mind you!) since there by chance happened to be a space where someone had just left….AND I GOT A PARKING TICKET! I wrote a pleading letter explaining that I had no where else to park because of the damn restuarant clients, but no reduction was granted
Since they’re coming for lunch, they also normally are parked out there for a good four hours (not kidding!). And they’re all big, swanky, expensive cars too, since the restaurant is a 5 star one. And to top it all off, there is parking RIGHT BEHIND the restaurant!! Lots of it! With a car-guard! Why, oh why, park outside someone’s house, making them and their guests park a mile away while you sit on your rich, ignorant ass scoffing your face full of 5 star food! See, just typing about it makes me mad! I ended up leaving (surprisingly polite) notes on their car, explaining our predicament with everyone parking outside our place. I gave them the benefit of the doubt that they didnt realise what a pain it is to the local residents.

Number four: Vodacom’s 3G USB modems, and Vodacom’s help service! Had a customer bring their laptop in because their device had stopped working. Its supposed to be Plug-and-Play, but it wasnt having any. I tried various methods of trying to get it to work, a good three hours I’d say. Uninstalling, re-installing, different USB port, etc etc all with the same result. “Device not detected”. I install it on my machine, it at least prompts me for a PIN. I didnt bother checking further, plugged it back into the client’s own laptop, and eventually phoned Vodacom.

The first guy I spoke to, asked what anti-virus I was running, to which I replied, “AVG 8″. He said, “Aha! That’s the problem. AVG blocks the connection and we’ve had 130 or so calls in the past two months from people using AVG and having problems.”
“So do you guys have an update for the device to make it work with AVG?”
“No, unfortunately not.”
“But surely you’re not expecting your clients to have to purchase an antivirus program so its compatible with your product??”
“Well, you get what you pay for, and AVG is free…”
I start to see where he’s going with this, “Yes, I agree with that point, you do get what you pay for, and we’re paying for a Vodafone connection, and Vodacom isnt providing. AVG isnt making the Vodafone device, AVG is working perfectly.”
“Well its definately AVG and I dont know what else to tell you.”
“…”
I basically ended the call there. I felt like slamming the phone down and throwing the device out the window. Instead, I said, “Thank you anyway, I guess I’ll just try to figure it out on my own. Goodbye.”

I kept trying. Eventually I gave in and tried to phone Vodacom again. I got a different person on the phone, this time a woman and more helpful to boot! She explained it wasnt actually AVG, since AVG would block the connection, and not cause the device not to be found. Finally! Someone with brains! She asked a bunch of questions about the software being used, etc etc and eventually recommended a different “dashboard” program to download, and recommended a firmware update, both from off their site. Yay, looks like we’re getting somewhere!

I download the two apps, and run them according to the instructions. The installation gets to a certain point, and then does a rollback, saying it was interrupted. I try again, because I was fiddling on the machine while it was installing, so it might have been me. Same thing. What the?? So I try again, this time uninstalling the old app first and restarting. Same thing. I close all programs running that could potentially interrupt it. Same thing! So then I think, “AHA! It needs the firmware update first! Duh!” so I run that app. ERROR! I cant even remember the error it gave, just that on one line it said “error error error”. The only option is to click “Finish”, not that I even clicked “Next” at any point. So now I re-install the old app, and run it. It opens…. then closes immediately. I try again, same thing. A tear forms in my eye. Now the program wont even run, let alone tell me “Device not detected”. My hand starts reaching towards the device, and I start looking towards the window….I take a deep breath and control my anger. My teary eye starts to twitch. I look at the clock. Its 5pm. I’m going home.

And the rest, they say, is history. What a day! And it’s all going to start again tomorrow